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Tonight I had a glimpse into your soul. As tears streamed down my face, I glanced at the clock. Just as Cinderella’s fairytale ended at the strike of midnight; my memory takes me back to the truth of myself. I can’t help but to feel an instant connection with you.

I am reminded of my youthful days when my princess life turned into rags, tormoil, loss and confinement to a room where I dreamt about my rescue. There’s a chapter that was never told of those years imprisoned by control. Truth is, I loved the dark and silent room. It was a place the blood could run free from the slits and I could let the pain go. It’s empowerment over me was the only constant I could trust. The room changed keys throughout the next couple of years. Every single one only locked more tragedy and tribulation inside with me.

Keys…keys to a pattern I had grown comfortable with living. However, there are keys everywhere in life to also free every forgotten princess by choice, not chance. You can choose to believe in yourself without consent from anyone. Being different does not make you difficult. I, for one, can clearly see your shine through the darkness. Your shadow makes more impression than I think you see.

I was once Cinderella, Arial, Sleeping Beauty and Belle. In the end of every tale, those woman waited to be saved and I can identify with every one of their stories in some way. So, how do you stay a princess surviving the hurt of a father’s demons, a mother’s disapproval and the dark past of a shit-tale? You become me.

Love, Brave

(The one princess who truly saved herself.)

I remember her so well. The last time I had seen her was March of 2001. It’s been 18 years since I left her behind. I had no idea that I could have brought her with me through the journey that I was about to embrace. Her power is beyond measure. Her independence a bit overbearing. Her beauty shined both inside and out. However, if you crossed her, she would destroy you like a beautiful storm. She loved with the deepest of passion but, she took no shit. You could not cage this amazing beast of a woman. God, I miss her so much.

Eighteen years have gone by and I have never stopped thinking about her. I would cry many nights screaming out of regret. How could I have ever let her go. Any time I invited her to come back home, I would cancel at the request of my loves. I could not have her here. There were two hearts in these years that followed her disappearance. Exact opposites to say the least. But, they had one thing in common. They were never going to let me see her. She was viewed as a threat to their very existence.

In June, while I was away dealing with sorrows, she came uninvited. I did not feel or see her presence. She had been watching all these years and could no longer watch me fight on deaf ears. My love was never going to be trusted no matter how much I proclaimed it. After all the years of desperately trying, my well was dry and I had nothing left to give. I was branded as wrong, knock off of the high shelve, and was always waiting for the pink slip to be handed.

The story says that when she arrived; she brought the wrath of true love. She brought the love of oneself. She was immediately caged and like a lion, she became irritated and angry. She was left there. If memory serves me right, it was then that I came with the key. I was shaking and petrified yet, numb from the choice I was about to make. I knew it was time and I never looked at her while I fumbled for the freedom I was about to give. As the cage opened, I stood completely still with my eyes wide shut. I simply cried out, “Your will be done”. And when my eyes opened, she was gone. She only left a mental note; “In His time, not mine”.

So, every day, I wait patiently for her. I pray that God sends her soon. I pick up a few pieces of my broken soul while I wait for her return to complete me. When she gets here, may God have mercy on everything in her path.

I’m searching for her. I’m searching for me.

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When life starts swinging hard, we tend to run to what is suppose to be our safest place to hide. One day, you get there and the door is locked. You’re banging and that person doesn’t answer. They peek out the window only to tell you that you’ve come to the wrong place. All the nice words they may say, can never cover up the rejection you will feel. I think many of us have been told at one point or another that the stakes are too high with us. But I’m going to help you see your biggest issue right now. You never gave up on people who at the end, when you needed them most, didn’t bet on you. There you are being asked to give respect by not fighting for what you love. This is when you feel most alone. However, haven’t you noticed the feeling doesn’t seem odd to you. Let me give you clarity on that. You kept saying you felt alone long before you ran knocking at the door. Your words fell on deaf ears. When you feel alone emotionally, it will pour into you physically. This is why you start to push away and why the outer you starts to reflect the inner you. What you feel on the inside will show on the outside. Thus the saying; wears her/his heart on her/his sleeve. There’s no secrets. You’re gut wasn’t wrong. I promise you that. If you really look at it, you bet blindly on everyone you loved and now you’re at the table alone.

I’m sorry, but this morning, you need to make a change and bet on you. When they think you aren’t worth the risk, when they turn their back on you, when you are empty, scared, broken and alone… you need to bet on you. Don’t feel sorry about that one bit. The only apology you have left to give is the one you owe yourself.

I invite you to change how you look at loss. Because when you learn to love and respect yourself, you’ll be able to see whose loss it truly is at the end. The dealer is about to call it. I hate to put the pressure on you but, it’s truth. The dealer is about the call the hand any day now. Who are you betting on? If you know you’re worth, then go and get what you’re worth! Put all your chips in and just once, just once, bet on yourself!

Be well. ❤

~Gina Marie

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Repost of Inspiration for You –

Walk it Scared

Fear is an emotion that can absolutely paralyze you both physically and mentally. Whether it’s menieres, vertigo or life itself; we all have experienced this horrible emotion.

The tightrope of life takes balance. Even if you’re walking it with vertigo, you must stay balanced within. With anything in life, the borders for error are so small. One step too soon or too late, even one second too fast or slow; we might not catch our balance. But, the netting we need is everywhere under us. Don’t be afraid to fail. Be excited that you can succeed. Make a decision about what you truly want; then go get it!

As you walk the rope, have confidence in yourself. If you stop in your tracks scared, then do it scared!
There were so many times in my life that I was petrified what would become of me and the turns my journey took so suddenly. It took time after those hits to regain my balance. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually; I stayed focused. As I’ve said before, life has no guarentees. It has promised you nothing. It’s up to you decide how you’re going to walk that tightrope. Stop spending time blaming everyone who hurt you, took you for granite and abondened the dreams you had. They are not responsible for your happiness. She who says she can and she who says she can’t are both right. Which decision are you willing to make?

I’ll be honest, you’re not always going to win. You’re not always going to make it across without a fall. I mean that figuratively for life warriors and literally for vertigo warriors. I can promise you though that fear will not stop failure from happening. It will however, prevent success. Whatever challenges you are facing, look ahead at the goal and do it scared. That is exactly how winning is done.
Finally, do not compromise yourself for anyone. Embrace who you are. One foot in front of the other. Balance and focus are key. Always remember, at the end of the day, nobody is going to go as hard for you as YOU.

Be well. ❤
~ Gina Marie

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Dear Self,

You may not know this, but you have been here before. Here, in the darkest of valleys facing the devil himself. Unfortunately, more than any good woman should. I just want to remind you of a few things, if I may?

You will watch the clock and count down the hours until it’s alright to cry behind your bedroom door. You will fight back the sting in your eyes when least expected to make sure you hold it together. You will feel like you can’t breathe and the weight of the world is literally on your chest. You will drop to your knees out of nowhere and scream from the unbearable pain crushing your heart. You will be exhausted physically and emotionally from this battle. Remember, as I said, you have been here before.

But that is the beauty of this storm. It will destroy everything only to give you the chance to rebuild. Everything in your life has prepared you for here and now. Your wall of trophys is filled with every bit of hurtful bullshit and people you have survived. There is room for another and yes; you will place this time frame of betrayal and loss up upon there soon. I can promise you this because, I am the strength you have pulled from within to fight every single time someone has set out to conquer you like an award. I will not leave you and our God will never forsake you. As you are aware, life is hitting fast and hard in the ring. It will knock you down but, it can only knock you out if you let it. I won’t ring that bell to save you. Either they will leave the ring defeated or you will die still swinging. This I know about you. You can’t see it right now, which was why I needed to have this conversation with you. Don’t forget who the hell you are, where you come from, and what you believe in. Learn and grow as this match is preparing you for greatness. You must suffer in order to obtain it. I’m sorry but, there is no other way. However, I suggest you embrace it and let your demons free. The rest will take care of itself.

They can’t break you anymore. You’re already perfectly broken.

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The name of my site has been changed. I am working on the new site address as well. I feel the name now reflects an exact feeling of awareness to all types of Warriors.

I had a pretty harsh disagreement with someone this morning. What started out as a joke, somehow turned to a very serious tone. During the verbal altercation, a popsicle on the ground was pointed out to me. I admitedly mocked the situation as I felt the entire picture here needed some humor. I have been struggling the past month with life’s punches and had already made the decision very early in the day that my thinking needed to change.

When it was all said and done, there I was, just me and this popsicle wrapper. My metaphorical side quickly came out and immediately I could relate to this once full of flavored iced wrapper. Someone sucked every drop of it’s offering then left it there as trash. It’s been said I can equate anything to life or illness. This is absolute proof that it’s truth.

The Popsicle Theory: How many people are just sucking the life out of you? How many of us feel like that wrapper just tossed aside once someone was done with it?
Do you wake up thinking positive about a new day only to end up exactly like this? You feel drained and discarded.

Please stop saying you don’t have a choice. Life’s struggles, Menieres, vestibular disorders, and chronic illnesses was not a choice. How you handle it, is a choice. Who you chose to be around, associate yourself with and let sit at your table is absolutely a choice. We give every excuse and reason why we need these particular people; whether it’s family, friends or even our current partner. It’s amazing how we let people suck the happiness, quality of life and self worth right out of us! For what? Maybe you have a tie to them that you feel you need. Maybe it’s financial, emotional attachment, or a sense of security. I’m here to tell you that you deserve better. Making the choice will be hard. I can promise you that. But, on the other side of sacrafice and pain is greatness. Stop being a popsicle.

I invite you to start changing your thinking this morning. Be well. ❤

~Gina Marie

💥Anxiety or Adrenaline?💥

Sweating, body temperature changes, shaky legs and rapid heart beat? Wondering if some things you are experiencing is Menieres related or not? Thinking it’s just anxiety? Let me simplify the complicated and help you with self awareness. Here is what Google and doctors aren’t telling you:

One symptom we experience that really has zero attention is adrenaline hormone changes. This hormone change causes you to have anxiety. Adrenaline and Anxiety go hand in hand because 90% of the time, you are actually experiencing an adrenaline rush and are not aware. Here is an example:
You feel off balance but no vertigo. You start to stress feeling like the attack is just lurking waiting for the right moment. If you’re anything like me, you may have yelled, “just do it already!” Your focus becomes that lurking bastard in the corner waiting to attack. This causes stress hormones to be released such as adreline and cortisol. This is your body’s vital defense mechanisms kicking in. Adrenaline, also known as epinephrine, is your body’s “fight or flight” hormone. This hormone causes anxiety as a side affect.

What to do?
The adrenaline is from the lurking feeling of the possibility that the MD attack may happen. The anxiety is from the unknown. So, make it known. Change your perception. Give your MD its identity, form and shape. Give it life so to speak. Mine looks like a black ghostly figure if this helps clarify what I’m doing here. Yes, you eventually have to accept that MD is a part of you but, separate the identity of it and give it it’s own being separate from you mentally. Now, you can picture and focus on it as “someone” instead of “something” you are up against. The beauty is, you can take control.

Always keep in mind that MD might not have been a choice but, how you handle it is absolutely a choice.

~Gina Marie, NLP
Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner

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Dang, that’s a catchy title! You have to give me some credit here. {giggling} Seriously though, have you ever seen the videos of monkeys throwing their poop at humans that are visiting at the zoo? Most people find the videos humorous. I, for one, have to admit it’s entertaining to watch and the reactions are hilarious.Last week, I had a normal conversation turn completely sour and it left me bewildered why the person felt the need to voice their unwarranted opinion. Having just recently received my certification in Neuro Linguistic Programming; I desperately wanted to figure out what could have made this person conduct themselves in such a harsh manner. I couldn’t help but laugh hysterical when one thought came to mind…monkey poop! I kept playing a ‘gif’ that I had seen over and over in my head. My final conclusion was simple. This was their shit; not mine!I researched why monkeys do this disgusting act. It lined right up with my perspective on the entire situation I had encountered. Apparently, when chimps are kept in captivity, they experience stress and agitation, which can cause them to resort in throwing things. Captive chimpanzees are deprived of the diverse objects they would find in nature, and the most readily available projectile is feces.The research continued with finding that in addition, if a chimp is bored, you’ll see them throw poop. One article that compared our likeness as humans to chimps said, “this is something that humans most definitely do not do.”I disagree. I think many humans throw their own shit at people! Maybe not the physical feces however, follow me on this thought process.You are going to come across many confrontations in your life that will leave you feeling absolutely shocked, disrespected, disappointed and maybe even bruised inside. When this happens, you should take time to first process what has taken place. Let your emotions go through the motions. Then, self reflect quietly. See if you have any responsibility or accountability you may need to take in the matter at hand. Look at all the players and the people mentioned, even if they did not participate. Sometimes, you will see and decipher what is right and what is wrong . Other times, you are going to need to whipe that monkey poop off your face and clearly see it for what it is; their own shit. Like a chimp, they are aggravated and stressed over something that they actually caused themselves. Instead of taking responsibility for their mistake; they attempt to fill their new void by throwing it all on you. (In some cases, it’s drama. People get bored and uncomfortable when life is too calm.)Nevertheless, if it’s not your issue, don’t let yourself get sucked in any further. I mean, poop can get really messy and it stinks! And to think it’s not even yours!I love this saying-what other people think of you, is none of your business. Forgive it and then make a choice. You can either throw the shit back or simply leave the zoo!*********************************

Follow me HERE and ‘EVERYWHERE’.

Hold my hand and walk with me.

*Here’s how to follow my blog:

1. Push follow.

2. Enter your email. (It’s been tested for protection so no worries). It will tell you to check your email to confirm.

3. Don’t forget to check your email to confirm. (If you don’t receive an email, look in your spam folder or email me for techincal difficulties.)

4. Once you confirm, believe it or not, YOU have now voiced your support of awareness.

************************************

Here are other places you can find me:

Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/theinsideleak/

AND

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/leakylifeginamarie/

AND

Founder of Closed Facebook Group: Meniere’s and Vertigo Without Borders.

I was contacted by Angela Selar to conduct an interview regarding Meniere’s Disease/Vestibular Disorders and patient protocol. The purpose of the interview was to assist her by contributing to her research and presentation to the medical specialist at Michigan State University Hospital. I must say I was truly honored by her request. She is constructing a PowerPoint presentation to provide to that regent board for Menieres protocol. She has been working with the head of research for the hospital in an effect to truly raise awareness with the medical professionals. Her goal is to have her work be an instrument to educate doctors on the real struggles, concerns, and patient based care for better protocol of Meniere’s patients. Angela has a background in teaching and is a warrior herself. This has helped her tremendously in her journey.

Angela: First, what type of doctor diagnosed you; a PCP or an ENT? How long did it take to get a proper diagnosis?

Gina Marie: ENT. We can not clarify when. Reason being is that I was diagnosed in May 2001 with an inner ear infection. I was on a steroid and antibiotics. In June, I had my first experience with tinnitus and vertigo. Thinking I was misdiagnosed, I saw another ENT. That ENT diagnosed me in June and a second opinion with a third ENT confirmed Menieres but stated, I may have very well had it with Inner Ear Infection. Final answer would be July 2001. I was fortunate. My ENTs in this area have knowledge of the disease so unlike other warriors, it was 3 months. Most warriors go years misdiagnosed or with no diagnosis at all.

Angela: When did your first episode happen? What age? Have you always had these symptoms?

Gina Marie: June of 2001. I was feeling better from the inner ear infection pain but, still felt something was wrong. I was tired all the time (fatugue), having trouble focusing (brain fog) and a slight noise I couldn’t explain (tinnitus) in the left ear. One day in June I started laughing at a joke someone told and tilted my head back a bit. The vertigo hit so fast and so hard that I will never forget the fear I felt. Most MD warriors never forget the first time. I was 24. I did not have MD symptoms before May 2001 possible inner ear infection. However, I did have chronic ear infections for most my childhood years. They stopped around age 13.

Angela: Thank you for being so detailed.

Gina Marie: You’re welcome. You are my first interview and I’m honored. I have several podcast invites waiting but, I took you first. (hugs indicated)

Angela: Awe thanks! Ok, I know your time is valuable. 3 Chief health complaints with meniere’s? Or 5.

Gina Marie: I don’t fully understand the question.

Angela: List in order from 1 to 5 these symptoms

vertigo nausea
Fatigue
brain fog
anxiety
Pain
Other…

… as chief complaints. 1 being the worst. What aspects of this disease are worse for you?

Gina Marie: For me, I believe it is different than most warriors:
1. Head Pressure
2. Anxiety while driving
3. Unbalanced/Dizziness
4. Fatigue/exhaustion
5. Violent, quick vertigo attacks

Angela: Tubes?

Gina Marie: Summer 2004. Unsuccessful.

Angela: Surgery? Shunt decompression?

Gina Marie: I am not a candidate. I was diagnosed bilateral.

Angela: (Indicates thumbs up) That was my next question. {laughs out loud} But, you knew that anyway.

Gina Marie: Yes, I did. {Laughs}

Angela: Barometer weather changes bother you?

Gina Marie: Yes. Barometer weather changes and emotional stress are my biggest triggers. They are also least talked about, which is concerning.

Angela: Yes…yes…yes!! I would like to change THAT. As well as other things, so speak up. Tell me what you think is important. We have an in dear, use it!!!!

Angela: Do you track the weather and barometric pressure to predict when you are going to feel well?

Gina Marie: No. Ain’t nobody got time for that! (Laughs at my own sarcasm). However, newly diagnosed should! They should also keep a diary and start folders for all copies of test results and doctor’s information. I stopped in 2010 after 5 expandables!

Gina Marie: Going back, I want to state a few concerns.

Angela: Please, give me your input. What doctors want from patients…logs!!!!

Gina Marie: I am concerned about the information put out on the Internet. The triggers always listed are alcohol, smoking, caffeine, salt. None are my triggers unless already flared. Why must new warriors scroll so far and have to search so deep for these:
Weather changes
Emotional Stress
Allergies

Also, one third of us are autoimmune deficient. Why aren’t doctors aware enough of this fact so when warriors get unrelated symptoms, they know they could also get other diseases like Fybro, Crohns, MS?

Why do you never see Chiropractor suggestions when it’s proven in most cases, Upper Cervical Adjustments can give relief?

MAIN CONCERN: why are warriors never given, that I know of, hope for a quality of life! Suggest something! Facebook support groups, therapist, life coaches, something! Do you realize people have committed suicide?

Or ME, Gina Marie. Just going to throw that out there. {laughs}

Angela: You totally nailed every bit of my concern and yes, I too have been to that point. I think a great many of us have been to that point.

I’m adding suicide to my feelings card slide. You helped me complete my slide! {smiles} Thank you.

Angela: Do you wear glasses are contacts?Do you get nystagmus?

Gina Marie: I do not wear classes. No, I do not have Nystagmus however, I do have another vestibular order, PPPD. I also have Iritis.

On a side note, I also have Fybro, Crohns, Sacriolitis, survived melanoma 2x and 6mm Lipoma in center of brain.

Angela: Feel free to add points on any of these note slides. (shows picture of her personal notes)

Gina Marie: Feelings: despair and worthlessness should be added to your diagram.

Angela: I see the pppd is a newly defined vestibular diagnosis. I will do some reading.

Angela: You definitely have a world of hurt going on there girl!

Gina Marie: That’s okay. It makes me fight harder. I know exactly why I have all these issues.

Angela: Bad gut? Perfect storm? (Credits Dr. Neil Cherian Cleveland Clinic-Perfect Storm)

Gina Marie: No. {laughs} Although the Brain Gut Axis is connected to everything, it’s not my answer. If I didn’t live it myself; I couldn’t be helping 2.6k people global learn how to deal with it. (Is speaking of Meniere’s and Vertigo Without Borders. A private Facebook support group)

Angela: Yup! Perfectly stated. In some respects, I do feel like with this that there are some gifts given. Like appreciation, love, happiness, hope, and knowledge. Okay, back to the next question. Have you been diagnosed with vestibular migraine? Oh, and totally agree with mind gut connect.

Gina Marie: No I have not. I was told my migraines are connected to my PPPD and fall under vestibular category.

Angela: Cervical c1-c4 issue?

Gina Marie: Car accident. Unrelated. However, adjustments help my MD greatly.

Angela: How long ago? Before or after age 24?

Gina Marie: Accident was at age 21.

Angela: You know that’s connected to your Menieres?

Gina Marie: For some, yes, it is connected. Not in my case.

Angela: Tinnitus? 24/7? Loud during attacks? Comes and goes with the weather?

Gina Marie: My tinnitus is constant but at times for no known reason, can sound like an orchestra. Flare ups usually follow after.

Gina Marie: Now I have a question. Why did you pick me for this interview?

Angela: Not to sound weird, but I find you intriguing. I like your personality. You have a good handle on your symptoms. You have a good knowledge base. You also run a bunch of websites (sic) about vestibular disorders.

Gina Marie: I thank you for the opportunity. I am truly honored.

End Interview.

The purpose of publishing this interview is to also help warriors battling everywhere. Education and information is necessary for every warrior. Be well.

*********************************

👣Follow me HERE and ‘EVERYWHERE’.

Hold my hand and walk with me.

*Here’s how to follow my blog:

1. Push follow.

2. Enter your email. (It’s been tested for protection so no worries). It will tell you to check your email to confirm.

3. Don’t forget to check your email to confirm. (If you don’t receive an email, look in your spam folder or email me for techincal difficulties.)

4. Once you confirm, believe it or not, YOU have now voiced your support of awareness.

************************************

Here are other places you can find me:

Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/theinsideleak/

AND

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/leakylifeginamarie/

AND

Founder of Closed Facebook Group: Meniere’s and Vertigo Without Borders.