Searching for Her

I remember her so well. The last time I had seen her was March of 2001. It’s been 18 years since I left her behind. I had no idea that I could have brought her with me through the journey that I was about to embrace. Her power is beyond measure. Her independence a bit overbearing. Her beauty shined both inside and out. However, if you crossed her, she would destroy you like a beautiful storm. She loved with the deepest of passion but, she took no shit. You could not cage this amazing beast of a woman. God, I miss her so much.

Eighteen years have gone by and I have never stopped thinking about her. I would cry many nights screaming out of regret. How could I have ever let her go. Any time I invited her to come back home, I would cancel at the request of my loves. I could not have her here. There were two hearts in these years that followed her disappearance. Exact opposites to say the least. But, they had one thing in common. They were never going to let me see her. She was viewed as a threat to their very existence.

In June, while I was away dealing with sorrows, she came uninvited. I did not feel or see her presence. She had been watching all these years and could no longer watch me fight on deaf ears. My love was never going to be trusted no matter how much I proclaimed it. After all the years of desperately trying, my well was dry and I had nothing left to give. I was branded as wrong, knock off of the high shelve, and was always waiting for the pink slip to be handed.

The story says that when she arrived; she brought the wrath of true love. She brought the love of oneself. She was immediately caged and like a lion, she became irritated and angry. She was left there. If memory serves me right, it was then that I came with the key. I was shaking and petrified yet, numb from the choice I was about to make. I knew it was time and I never looked at her while I fumbled for the freedom I was about to give. As the cage opened, I stood completely still with my eyes wide shut. I simply cried out, “Your will be done”. And when my eyes opened, she was gone. She only left a mental note; “In His time, not mine”.

So, every day, I wait patiently for her. I pray that God sends her soon. I pick up a few pieces of my broken soul while I wait for her return to complete me. When she gets here, may God have mercy on everything in her path.

I’m searching for her. I’m searching for me.

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