The Comeback

I meditate every morning. I feel it’s important to center myself for the day. This morning I was having a difficult time focusing. Memories of my journey to this point in time were making home in my mind.

I had a great childhood but, sometimes being adopted had it’s down falls. My parents did well trying to protect me however, some painful things in life are just going to be felt. At age 16 my father took a massive stroke. The man I knew and adored was fighting for his life. At least twice a week I was pulled from my high school classes to goto the hospital in case I had to say goodbye. He lived 17 years without speech and partially paralyzed. Daddy’s little girl had to grow up real fast. Working three jobs at a time, going to school and just trying to move forward. I got my heart broken more than once, lived in a car to get away, but always got back on my feet. When my career as a Paralegal was at it’s high, I finally settled down to start a family. As time went on, I was diagnosed with a tumor in the center of my brain and waited two weeks to see the best surgeon. Not knowing if you’re going to die is a terrible feeling. I was cleared for a 6mm Lipoma. Hearing you’re going to live is an amazing feeling. The roller coaster of being diagnosed bilateral Meniere’s Disease, Crohns Disease, Fibromyalgia, Sacroliitis, Malenoma 3x removed, and recently chronic Iritis; was hell to say the least. Need I mention I was pregnant during one surgery and could not have anything for the cutting except local anesthetic. I felt the entire procedure. My career was suffering and working 8 hours a day was no longer an option. I lost several friends to death and buried both my parents by the age of 38.

I still fought my own body every day and stayed a great mother; and in my eyes, an amazing wife. Being left with two children on Valentine’s Day 2014 was a shock. I said till death do us part but looking back, the marriage was slowly killing me anyway. I took almost a year to myself and focused on me and my children. I started a new journey with a blended family and two years in I could feel myself begin to backtrack. My flares were coming quick and the stress of learning a new way of life was hard for me. Change is hard for me for that matter. I didn’t give up though and continued to trust the process. In June of 2017, I finally built my credit score back up from the fall of the years in marriage. I drove my new car off the lot in my name and I was so proud. I was half way home when a weird feeling came over me. It was like the scene on the road kept closing in. Long story short, I barely drove after that, had the summer from hell, and was again completely lost for answers. Three specialist later, we found it was connected to vestibular disorder and I started yet another medication. Eventually I came back from that however, long distance driving was now over……..

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…….I never really processed anything. I always just kept walking. Strength is in my blood line. Then again, not going through the proper process can catch up with you eventually. I became very depressed as I felt I had never truly accomplished anything except getting my butt beat by life! My dad always said my heart was both a blessing and a curse. He said I was diffent and special in that I possessed a personality that was intimidating yet beautifully magnetic. He was right.

Losing independence with my personality was crushing. Even when I began to inspire others in September 2017, I was hiding the feeling of failure. I could dish the advice, but taking it for myself was a struggle every day. Then one day I woke up and I felt a powerful feeling. I immeduately felt my entire being say ‘now it’s time’. I already was partnered Administrator to a private support group but, I knew it was time to let go of some things holding me down so I could fly. I started my blog here, as I love to write. I was always told it was a gift. I feel it’s therapeutic and helping others is a bitter sweat experience. I was published twice for my poetry and won three editor choice awards. That gives me some confidence. One of two things will happen. I’ll either fail or become really successful at it. But I know one thing for sure from my journey of life. It’s not about the fall backs. It’s all about the comebacks.