Our Dirty Little Secret

I taught my children that there are good secrets and then there are bad secrets. A good secret is keeping quiet about presents or surprises for the ones you love. A bad secret usually consists of wrong doing; either by you or by someone else. Their little minds can’t grasp the concept of anything in between. But, as adults, we certainly can.

Many warriors of Meniere’s Disease and Vertigo fall into this category. We do seek awareness openly hoping for more support and research. Sixty-nine (69) million of us secretly fight everyday. We have grown so use to the beast that we don’t even tell anyone when its ugly head turns. We fear judgment, lack of understanding, and lack of compassion. Our only light in this darkness is knowing at some point, the attack will stop and we will carry on. This light is ironically inspired by the secret hell we live in. Unless you are a warrior, we don’t expect understanding of this concept. Our expectations of others in our life sometimes eventually dies out with multiple disappointments. Therefore, it turns into our dirty little secret.

This morning started out wonderful. My best friend, Deanna, took a lot of weight off my chest. She is not a vertigo warrior but, she is a life warrior. She tries to understand this disease as best she can. She may not know vertigo but, she knows that anymore stress could cause a full Meniere’s attack for me and take the rest of my hearing. She stretched her resources all the way from Florida with a couple pushes of a button, taking a huge burden off my mind.

Unfortunately for me, I’m writing this article from my bed anyway. As I got up from my office chair, my world started to spin. The attack was fast and furious. As I sat on the floor crying, holding my ears; all I kept repeating was, “please God! No!” In those moments, I hated myself. This is also something we can’t explain but other warriors can feel the actual words they just read. When I heard the dogs barking, a relief came over my entire being. I beat the affects expected by my doctor. I can’t possibly express just how vital it is for us to to stay away from our biggest trigger-emotional stress.

Someone in my private group yesterday, Meniere’s and Vertigo Without Borders, asked about an old article I had written. They were truly struggling and needed the inspiration. I wrote articles before on the people in your life. Some are supportive and you need them at your table. Some you will have to decipher whether they are wicked or just weak. Others you may have to put at arms length because ridding them from your life is not an option. Did you ever hear the saying, “don’t be deceived. The devil was once an angel”? These are the ones you need to be extremely careful with. They will support you in aspects such as doctor appointments, chores, driving, and tell you things you want to hear at the time. But when push comes to shove, they will disregard everything and sacrafice your emotional well being for their own self-image and selfish needs. They will kick your pedestal out from under you so fast that you’ll be lying there completely feeling broken. They will play on words that will play your mind and actually make you second guess your self-worth. Unfortunately, sometimes, this is the person who has claimed their undying love for you. At no time will your tears, feelings or hurt change anything. The emotional stress will change everything though and not for the better. If someone truly loves you, they would invest their loyalty to you emotionally before anything else. They would want to hear you and they would understand and appreciate your efforts to better their hardships even when you’re going through your own.

What to do? First, get up! You are not made of glass and therefore, you can’t be broken. You’re going to have to look at things you don’t want to see. This will hurt like hell. I will not sugar coat that fact. You’re about to go through a process but, you will make it through if you believe in who you are, not who that person is betraying you to be. That’s their own crap, which usually has carried over on to you at some point. That’s not you! You’re better than that. In order to get to the light, you are going to have to walk through hell. Whether it’s vertigo or life, you can do it and you will make it. You’re scared? Nothing is more scary then continuing to try to explain yourself constantly to protect yourself from someone’s twisted reality of you. Your love and loyality to them will not budge their over thinking or take off their blinders. So, walk it scared! On your travel, start taking back your life, your peace, your positivity and your worth. Eventually, you will look back and just see smoke. I’ve been here before after fourteen hard years and I can promise you the further you walk, the more clear your vision will get. Take a good look in the mirror. If all you see is yourself, that person didn’t deserve to be next to you in the first place. At the end of the day, nobody will go as hard for you as YOU. The tears will eventually subside and something else will take its place.

The sad truth about vertigo and life is that sometimes our light is inspired from the secret hell we live in. It’s our dirty little secret. As I lay here alone scared to death with tears flowing, I can feel another attack coming. Scared or not, I’m going to okay, just not today. And so will you.

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